Dalai Lama Addicted To World Of Warcraft

I suspected this, for some time now. I'm glad he came clean. Said the Dalai Lama, “WOW addiction is most serious. I crave to play with myself daily. Constantly to prance my High Elf, across all Eastern Kingdoms. But now I feel, as, less holy. After 181 days straight, I tried to just meditate away. But, as they say in my golden temple, Withdrawl Ate The Buddha. Now the monks are getting suicidal. Reincarnation stopped working. I have mental health problems. Just let me finish one more quest.”

Review Of Halle Berry’s Nude Sex Scene In “Monster’s Ball”

Halle Berry’s multiple orgasm face turns boys into men. Seriously. This scene is more effective than penis-enhancing cream. (I did a blind taste test. And the buxom brunette who rubbed the ointment on my cock, then licked it off, said that it tasted like nine day old cantaloupe. Whereas instead, she greatly enjoyed deepthroating my clean penis while I watched this scene, looping it again and again.) So If the Oscars ever gave Oscars for Best Sexual Performance... I might actually watch.

Julia Roberts Confesses “I Had Anal Sex With Lyle Lovett”

Like many of you I found the news shocking. But here's the part of her press conference that hit me the hardest: Julia Roberts said, “The rumors are true. I had anal sex with Lyle Lovett. He called it ‘Butt Love.’ I nicknamed it ‘Constipation.’ So, like, he would come home and say, ‘How about some Butt Love?’ And I would say, ‘I don’t like constipation.’ But then he would sing his folk song. It was so haunting... I let him dick me. I can still hear the lyrics every night... “Hot Buttered Butt Love / You Know That She Wants Some / Give It To Her Now, Stud / Put It In Her Butt, Love” I destroyed all seventeen sex tapes, but my ass never truly healed.”

Steven Seagal Endorses Birds & Blooms Magazine

I love Steven Seagal and will do whatever he says. Today he called me up and said this: “Hi. I’m Steven Seagal. Named after the bird. And I love three things. Singing the blues. Kung-fu-ing men in the nuts. And Birds & Blooms Magazine. I like the nude photos, of birds in mating poses. And the occasional flashes, of cute baby bird porn. I have a pony tail. And Birds & Blooms Magazine, makes me bloom in my pants.”

Review Of Eva Green’s Nude Sex Scene In “The Dreamers”

She may be French, but this is Quality French. Fine Naked Hottie French. Wet Kinky Whore French. Unashamedly Erotic French. I-Like-American-Cock French. She’s nothing at all like those lame-ass surrender monkeys. (I exclude Jacques Pepin, who invented the French Fry.) For this Frenchie is entirely edible. (Eva Green, not Jacques Pepin, although I would be willing to squirt ketchup on Eva’s tits and dip french fries in it, if she asked me to...) If you hate the French, like I do, check out “The Dreamers.” Eva Green’s boobies will really open your eyes. Two Singing Nipples Up!

Free Hugs Campaign Announces Recall

Total recall. All twenty three million free hugs, since September 2005, must be immediately recalled. By way of un-hugging. One man in Kentucky, forgot to wash his hands, after making the poo. And his poisoned hug spread at a pandemic rate. Killing 27 people in 13 states. So for public health safety, un-hug everyone you know. And never re-hug them again. Unless you want to die.

Vanessa Hudgens Tells Teenage Girls “Only Use Organic Sex Toys”

I knew Vanessa Hudgens was one of America's top role models, but her concert speech last night secured her place as a modern-day Mother Theresa: “And to all my short fans... Thank you for watching my sex tape. but let me be a role model now. When two sensual adults, pleasured me with produce, it was nutritional. Just because Jack Black put his ten-inch zucchini to my moist lips, and Bod Newhart licked broccoli puree off my quivering breasts, while I tickled his nut sack... And then they both sprayed cucumber yogurt all over my face. My message is, like all healthy American adults, we followed the New Food Pyramid.”

Topless Paris Hilton Gives Drunk Elephants Prostate Massage For Charity

I had a naked picnic with Paris, and she explained why this cause touched her heart: “Drunk elephants urinate frequently, with the burning sensation, because their prostate is swollen, like, bigger then my head. But when I get all naked and insert my left hand deep up their butt, to milk them to orgasm, my whole arm smells like ass. For almost three weeks.”

Scarlett Johansson Voted “Hottest Blowjob Lips In Hollywood” By Nutlicker Magazine

And her acceptance speech was classic Scarlett. She said, “Even since I was a teenage girl, standing at the mirror, with my lip gloss and my lollypops, practicing my come hither pose... I always knew I would become the sex idol, that I deserved to be recognized as, because, like destiny, to all the men whose cocks I’ve sucked on, who were nice enough to vote for me. And everyone else whose cock I wish I could reward orally, because the sheer fame I experience daily, is, totally, in my deepest heart, worth any cost, even kneeling on set for great lengths of time. So thank you all, and if anyone’s at the gala next week when they honor my tits, feel free to just unload all over them.”

Hayden Panettiere Nip Slip While Humping Otter Ignites PETO!

As a member of PETO, I feel compelled to speak out. All People for the Ethical Treatment of Otters love Heroes, not season two, but we do, which is why exposing nipples to otters is such an obscene Otter-Rights violation, that we call for immediate boycott of the season two dvds. Otters have penises. And I don’t mean an otter has multiple penises, like three penises, though some do, mutant otters. And having an eighteen year old girl press her bare nipples in your face, when you know she won’t fornicate you, or blow you to release, for an otter, or a young man, or a hot lesbian, is cruelty beyond measure. It saddens me. All she needed to do was put her tits away and pull out another otter and then rub the two otter’s genitals together until the sexual tension was diffused. It’s called Respect, young lady.

National Safety Council’s Controversial “Hotties Wear Seat Belts” Campaign

I spent the afternoon receiving sexual favors from pornstar-activist Tawny Roberts, who explained the campaign this way: “I’ve taken more hits to the face than I can remember, but when men give me a ride, I buckle up. Because traffic accidents are hardcore. Like taking a blow to the head from a 5,000-pound cock, without even squinting. And, 30% of hot women refuse to wear seat belts that don’t match their outfits. 7000 hot women die each year from not keeping on their seat belts while giving roadtrip blowjobs. I mean. seriously, why are they not teaching seat belt safety in sex ed? That’s why I’m proud to suck cock for a good cause. And I won’t stop until every hot hottie in America gets their sweet ass in gear. Because, trust me, girls, you don’t want facial scarring.”

Study: 9 Out Of 10 American Men Call Soccer “World’s Gayest Sport”

So I asked David Beckham's monkey to respond and got this direct quote: “I’m piss drunk, but, perhaps if America was more European, and homosexuality, as a sport, as an entertainment, because I live here now. And, ok, we’re slapping balls with our heads, but sometimes we get angry and kick each other in the nuts, and with your religion, a nut for a nut, as it says in those baby Bibles they hand out on street corners, with the hot hookers, and the flyers to free Tibet. It’s not as bad as watching gay porn, soccer, look at my wife. She made me watch gay male porn, once, because I didn't say lesbian porn, but it made me hard. And now I watch it all the time. So just get drunk, turn on the tele, and give soccer a chance.”

10 Things Most In Need Of Shellacking

10. The rainforest, because then it would be protected forever!

9. A bowl of fruit, because that way you don’t have to buy plastic fruit to leave out on the table, which looks too fake to persuade hot women that if they spend the night there will at least be fruit for breakfast!

8. Handle bar tape, because cyclists are addicted to shiny!

7. Enteric-coated cocaine capsules, because the smoothness makes swallowing easy and fun!

6. Dental plates, because old people love having their removable body parts glossy so that they match the plastic on the couch!

5. A short, swollen-bellied, African child, because it would lock in the body odor so they didn’t have to waste their whole day doing nothing but swatting flies, and because they could be shellacked for just twenty-three cents per day!

4. Keeley Hazell's breasts, because then they would look nineteen forever!

3. The hopes and dreams of all Iraqis, because that would make a nice souvenir to remember them by, after they’re gone!

2. A cute baby bunny, because if you give your children a dead pet you never have to worry about what to do when they kill it!

1. Bob Newhart’s left nut, because then he would be forced to do a two-hour comedy special about how somebody shellacked his left nut, and that would be frakking sweet!

Is Racism Bad, Or Sometimes Good?

As Shakespeare's monkey once said, racism (or reverse racism), like incest, bestiality, and hairy lesbianism, is neither good nor bad, unless you think it so. So if you want, because you admire political correctness, to believe, in your sensitive little soul, that all racists are ignorant clucking barntards, that’s your brain-given right. But if you want Johnny Boy to beat Obama’s half-black buttocks, because you fear his smooth, milk chocolaty charisma, then I have only this to say to you: My little old fat grandmother is eighty-five, with massive thighs, and she still shaves her sagging genitalia, so if McCain wins, Little Miss Racist, by your one vote, I’m going to do what I’ve always threatened, and convert all my grandma's pets to Hindu.

Polls Bounce Up & Down With Sarah Palin's Breasts

The latest polls show that 79% of young voters believe that Obama pleasures himself 3-5 times per week, and 73% believe he’s earned it. I figure, since not everyone gets hard for slightly obese, middle-aged women (like John McCain). Personally I find all pornography disgusting and offensive, except for the classy kind, that I watch while rewarding my young female fans with free facials, which I learned from either Bill Clinton or Stephen Colbert. But, the real question, that Big Media has yet to cover, is... Are Sarah Palin’s daughter’s boobies that big because she’s pregnant, or because she’s fat? Because, after that Chelsea Clinton unpleasantness, I now decide who to vote for based on the physical appearance of the future first daughters (for national wet-dream security).

Sarah Palin: Hot Enough For Porn

John McCain's VP, Sarah Palin, an almost Miss Baked Alaska, is thought by some to be entirely fornicate-able. Others want her to lose ten pounds before entering office. Personally, I just want to sit in my Banana Room and stare at her gently bouncing breasts...

Megan Fox Nude Scene In “Jennifer’s Body” Cut Due To “Chicken Legs”

I love Megan Fox, but let’s be honest. No one wants, to see her naked. It would kill, box office. She lost weight, and got the chicken legs. They had to re-shoot, with a, thigh double. It’s like Marlon Brando, in the Island of Dr. Moreau, all over again.

Yes, My Grandma Knit Me A Penis Cozy

Just before she died. I tried it on, for her, but only because, at the time, I stood to inherit several hundred dollars.

Lindsay Lohan Sentenced To Community Service (Again) To Manually Masturbate Macaque Monkeys For “Non Research Purposes”

The last time, I saw Lindsay, she attempted to apologize, to me. About how, she used to be hot. But ever since, her recent naughtiness... Drinking and drugging... Bingeing and purging... Endless nights, of rampant lesbianism... She realized, something. That both of her nipples, had shifted, three-eights of an inch, to the left. But when she took off her shirt, it was true.

David Mamet Arrested For Writing While Intoxicated

I was there. I watched it happen. When they searched, his rectum. Which they do, to all Jews, who use complicated, grammar. Then came, the light spanking. Because he’s Hollywood too. His children, were watching. So I had to explain, being a credible expert, to them, that here, in America, one is only allowed, to write at the tenth grade reading level. Or you face, anal misconduct.

I Still Get Flashbacks

Late one night, in my Banana Room, I was touching my nuts. As cashews relax me. When I smelled it. And I clenched. And that’s when it happened. Britney Spears raped me. Anally. With her pinky finger. I was powerless. I wept. Like a crack baby. And I don’t know why. But when it was over, I thanked her.

Panasonic 150” Plasma “Best HDTV For Amateur Porn” Says Japanese Home Theater Magazine

And I disagree. I popped in an old sex tape, three girlfriends back, and thought at that screen size she would look like piss. But, damnmnmnmnmnmn. 150” Porn is the new frakking titanium standard. Her boobs were bigger than exercise balls, bouncing up and down. It was like falling in love again all over again with amateur porn. If you have the cash, and some killer fornication recordings, the 150” Panasonic is more than highly recommended. It’s beyond the best. It's BADA$$!